As I was sitting here listening to a book my mother recommended and pondering on my future…immediate and distance, I started thinking on a few conversations I had recently about being healthy mentally and emotionally. The conversation started this morning but it lingered with me all day. Though I admit when speaking with one of my best friends the conversation became colorful, for the lack of a better word. In describing my current mental and emotional stance about a very close relationship of mine, it stirred up some realistic issue about my thoughts on boundaries.  The lack of and the necessity of and the use of the few I have.

Its strange that we are taught when we are young to treat people the way we want to be treated. That simple law lends to in some way to me that you get back what you put out. Likewise for us that believe in karma, try to practice this law more than often because Lord knows you have no interest in anything bad happening to you or to live a life of regret. For me I thought this law was permission to just simply love like there was no tomorrow. In that loving, that meant give and trust and forgive and be open and wear emotions upon the sleeve. In that I THOUGHT I was communicating in the best of intention of ‘please treat me the same way” meaning please give to me, forgive me, have patience with me, be open with me, look you can trust me.  So in my earnest to be selfless and treat those whom I believe I love and admire with all that I have and with expectation to get it back in return.

Hate to sound like a victim and Miss “woa is me” but that law aint working to well for me. Somewhere along the line I must have missed the lesson on boundaries. See those are these things people use to keep things out and other things in. There are these invisible lines that people practice to protect themselves from folks that don’t practice nor believe in laws like do on to others or karama. As naive as this may sound I always believe that everyone wants to be loved and inside every heart is a person that has the ability to love beyond belief. I say its naive because some people just use folks and out for self. Their compassion seed has become chocked by weeds and lack water and sunlight. Now lets get it straight. I am not bitter. Not one bit. I find it a blessing and privilege to be able to see people in that light and to have the ability to love folks despite. But here is a dose of truth. Im tired and depleted.

Like everything else in life, balance is important and as aforementioned the need of learning boundaries is essential for self love. WOW self love. The lack of knowing how to set boundaries and how to love in a healthy way takes us from victim to volunteer. Early when chatting with my bff, I realized they were coming from a place of really caring for me. Over the years in various types of relationships from family, to girlfriends to boyfriends and even jobs,they have witness me placing all my cards on the table with hopes that in those honest moments someone would appreciate my candor and my openness and do right by me. Instead they where there when I was devastated and felt misunderstood. They were there in the darkest of moments reminding me how wonderful I was for trying. I know that this time around they are just mad on my behalf, having seen enough and want me to set healthy boundaries because they too are tired. Funny what we allow to become normal in our lives when in fact it far from normal.

I have been working on this lesson for a while. And proud to say I have made some progress, but in this moment of sitting in my home, listening to the book and the raindrops outside and thinking on my recent relationships, my recent conversation and struggles and ah ha moments, it hit me….I HAVE TO BUILD SOME FOUNDATIONAL BOUNDARIES LIKE RIGHT NOW. I am grateful that God has truly kept me. He has kept a hedge of protection around my heart. I am thankful, moreover with that awareness I too have to do my part. I have to be a better gatekeeper.  I am no way going to abandon the law of treat people…but I do see the necessity to amend it. So treat people the way you would like to be treated, moreover once you have shown that general courtesy, stop until they have earned more. Likewise once people show you who they are believe them and move on.

I refuse to give up on love and loving people. Simply because God is love and that spirit lives in every living creature. However I will begin to exercise developing healthy boundaries because it is necessary to love people in proper perspective. We teach people how to love us in how we treat ourselves. In no shape of form am I stating that I don’t love myself or that I allow people to take me for complete granted, but I am honest enough to admit that in my desire to love people I have the ability of removing a necessary boundary and leaving myself open to unworthy and unhealthy relationships. Its not only about loving but also managing relationships and boundaries help us do that. I am fortunate that I have a few people in my life that love the light in me and never take this gift of compassion I have for granted. To those people and you know who you are…thank you. 

One of my favorite bible verses puts it this way. Love your brother as you love yourself. How can you love me (GOD) whom you have not seen, but not love your brother, whom you see daily?

The message here is, how can I love anyone without loving the me whom I know and interact with everyday…first; if not everything and everyone else would be simply impossible to love in its true wholeness. As all superheros with amazing powers must learn…balance. Now that is a healthy boundary I can live with.

Loving and learning,

Miss Education.

Everyday I receive a bible scripture and commentary from the pastor below. As of late I really have been looking forward to these emails. Reason being, I am going through a rough patch. What’s new right? Well what’s new is that I am fighting my nature to become extremely overwhelmed by life and the disappointments it bears time to time and mentally find some peace and light.

If I could be completely honest here… I’m not comfortable with this state. Who is? Well honestly I feel unattractive and extremely alone when I get like this. I know this is how I feel because when I become overwhelmed and my emotions are on high.  This state in the past has seemed to turn people off and push them away. So I have learned to or try not to let on that I feel like the world is falling from under my feet. I don’t know if that is completely healthy but I tired of people thinking that I’m just an emotional mess. Truth is… I’m just emotional and I am ultra sensitive to my feelings and surroundings. When I am in a elated state everyone loves it. It’s like a shiny light that attracts all kind of people but when its at a low…I’m often left to ponder and work it out solo. Honestly my misery doesn’t like company.

But! This time around I came to the conclusion that what is missing and aching inside cannot be filled or solved by any person, including myself to some extent. Therefore it is not fair to set or have the expectation that any of my loved ones or friends can make me feel better or resolve my issues. All they can do is support me and stand firmly at my side. I am thankful for this revelation, because I strongly believe that people feel like that have to be responsible for your happiness, peace and joy. Truth of the matter is that is a huge responsibly to take on…what I really need is compassion,patience, and understanding…not a savior. In times as such hope, faith in who I am and my ability and truth, is what would be appreciated. These are all ingredients of love. The inner longing of fullness and completion can only come from God. God is solely responsible for fulfilling a longing and destiny. I am coming to understand that.

I reiterate that people have a role. When going through a state of rejection and disappointment it does help when someone is holding your hand and praying with you and loving you despite the conditions, moreover I also strongly believe that we must nor burden others to be the answer or be the solve. I admit that in the past I have done that…that being trying to replace my pain with a person…via affection or for saving. I would like to take this moment to apologize for that to anyone who felt overwhelmed by my emotions. However I am not going to apologize for going through. The scripture below today actually made me feel better, because it made me realize I am not alone. That what I am experiencing is part of the human experience. I can not and will not pretend that I have all the answers and that I can walk this journey alone. That everyday I am to pretend that nothing is wrong and all is perfect. I am not giving myself permission to stay stuck and upset, but I am giving my self permission to be disappointed and hurt. Heartache is real. Pain is real. Aggravation is real. As I stated before, in the past I been held to a standard that I am not allowed to be this way. It turned people off that I didn’t have the everyday persona of perfection and well put together.

That within itself is a silly notion. Gold is refined by fire…diamonds are produced by pressure and plants grow from pruning. We all have to go through. We have to learn how to respond and prayerfully we will learn how to respond better and more healthy over time. Allowing ourselves to participate in the human experience and love on another as we grow is real and is life and is love.

So I’m going to be honest with the cyber world and universe right now. I’m not happy. I’m not feeling my current state of being at the moment. I am overwhelmed and disappointed with some decisions I have made. Likewise I have made a choice not to stay stuck or to give in to the darkness that is trying to loom me. I also will not blame anyone for this state nor look to anyone to rescue me…my prayer is that God keeps me and grants me favor and provides clear vision for what he wants and that I am surrounded me with people that actually love me and will cheer me on to the finish line and remain in my life through the next race. I will not give into thoughts that I am less of a person or less desirable because I’m going through. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and makes me wiser. I will embrace my gifts and hold them closely to my chest. This is me in my good bad and ugly and if no one else accepts me, I accept myself.

Always learning and in the midst of growing,

Ms. Education

My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.

– Psalm 119:28 (NIV)

Commentary by Dave Whitehead, Senior Pastor, GraceNYC.org

How do we handle depression? Much of our advertising and media bombard us with images of happy people. This can become the unspoken “ideal life”. So when we encounter emotions that may contradict this imagery we find ourselves unprepared. But the Scripture sees sorrow as a part of the human condition. Many of the Psalms deal with feelings of overwhelming depression. And as the Bible addresses these feelings we find that it gives us the guide to navigate through sorrow – the promises of Scripture itself. God’s word assures us in our sorrow and gives us lighthouses of hope to help us navigate through the dark moments of our soul.

I played with this lesson title a little. Several topics are swimming in my mind and I decided to let them out so they will not hold my productivity hostage. (smiling)

Daily I talk with one of my soul mates and sister (BFF is not a strong enough title to capture our bond) and I gave her this quote to ponder ” The true definition of insanity is to keep doing things the same way with an expectation of a different outcome.” The reality was, it was for me. As I read it over to myself, my own insane mind taunted me because I am so victim to this. DO things the same way over and over and actually believing that this time it will be different , that it will invoke a different response or outcome.

It is not the repetitiveness that makes it insane it is the attachment to the “thought” or the “expectation” that makes it crazy. The attachment to what you desire and want so bad that you don’t realize that the very steps you are taking to achieve it is placing more and more of a barrier between you and it. Yeah..go ahead, read that sentence again. The very thing you desire is driven away in your drive to get it because we fail to recognize our method of obtaining it is not working. Which brought me to the fact that in reality, intention is cool, but its not enough. What you mean to do and how it may play out can be as opposite as right from left. You may convenience yourself that you meant well but your delivery was hurtful, wrong and…lets just call a spade a spade… selfish.

Today I caught myself in now what I will label as a (RAI) random act of insanity… and was proceeding to do what I usually do…move on emotional impulse and do the first thing that comes to my mind. After I did what I did and garnered no response I felt disappointed. Now usually I allow that disappointment to grow, fester a little and I hold on to it and then it takes root and the over anylizing in the brain happens and now I engaged in allowing something simple and trivial drive me  to nervousness…and get this, my desired outcome was still not happening. But what was happening was I was slowly putting my emotional state in a very un-neccessary place. So this time, I said NO. First I forgave myself for engaging in RAI and then I said “Self, you have tried that and it didn’t work, when you are tired of doing this you will stop and do something different” . Essentially thats what I did.  Instead of going down the dark path to the dark side I took control of the situation, took a breath and let it go. 

If anyone that knows me knows that letting go is not as easy as it is written. I told myself “Self at this point what have you learned and gained from this situation thus far and every time you have been in this place…those are good learnings and you have come to understand a better you. For that lesson it was worth it, now lets move on”

I have to do this because insanity leads to obsession and obsession leads to distancing you and moving further and further away from your intention. I read a quote today that pretty much sums this all up. “Being hurt is something you cant stop from happening, but being miserable is always your choice.”

Today I feel like I have entered another space of womanhood and maturity because I am making a conscious effort to not be miserable and I am taking responsibility for my actions and emotional investments that I CHOSE to make. This is empowering because I no longer need to fall victim to fear and doubt. If I truly believe that everything that happens has purpose then there is nothing to fear and moreover nothing to control. What ever it is will be and what ever it was, served its purpose. The true intention will live and flourish because simply it is truth and truth is light. Light will not and cannot be denied. Therefore my truth can not be rejected. I wish you all could feel how freeing this feels to know that my destiny and possibilities are now increased because I am no longer a prisoner to insanity.

I am now open to love in its purest because I am giving it the opportunity to be itself. I am not attached to my own expectation that I can not be flexible in thought and behavior. I also know, confidently, I am who I am and that is enough. I am enough and that happiness starts with me and ends with me. To give into insanity is to give into fear and a life of hopelessness and lack of faith. Though it may hurt that things may not go your way, we don’t have to attach our whole selves to the disappointment and make ourselves crazy. Likewise how great is life when things fall into place because they are meant to be and all your true desires are met because what was for you was in fact was yours all the time.

Bliss!

Learning,

Miss Education

Its 5 am in the morning and I have a laundry list of things that need to be done. Deadlines and such…therefore this is not written out of boredom or lack of something else to do. This is an attempt to put myself out there and place something out in the Universe hoping and knowing that truth is freeing and that once it is released a peace of some sorts will come about.

Usually I come here to spout about some great life lesson that I am know coming to grips about, but today I simply want to apologize.

1. To myself and the enmourous amount of pressure and expectation I put on myself. Somewhere along the line in my life I got in my head that I have to be perfect, despite the fact that its impossible. And the kicker is, perfect is so subjective. I am attached to this false security that if I just had more of this and achieve more of that and out with this and out pace that then I will be better wiser and richer. I have been running in circles chasing my own tail for quite a while. I’m not perfect and honestly I don;t want to be. The reality is that I sometimes don’t want to face my failures, my imperfections or bad habits. Yet these “blemishes” and “war scars’ could be beauty marks and rings of wisdom liken a tree, if I embrace them. So therefore I apologize to myself and for not embracing all of who I am in my truth.

2. To anyone I may have misled and lied to. This one is hard. I am a pretty upfront person and lying is not my thing, matter of fact I am bad it.If it was a sport I would be the last one chosen,however I am human and I have lied…omitted truth … and for me honestly it comes down to the fear of being rejected. there I said it. I HATE being rejected, see number 1. The pressure of not sizing up or the feeling of failure just haunts me. again see 1. Because I am removing pressure off my shoulder I am free to admit that I don’t handle it well. Now lets be clear this doesn’t mean I go around fabricating life to suit my insecurity but I have had moments of fear that have led to poor judgment that has led to foolishness. GULITY I am. As I continue to grow I recognize this and working on it, but regardless of my purist intention to love and to be loved, to be forth right and fair, I have fallen short and I come asking for forgiveness… I am not perfect. My true desire is to be at peace and contribute substance to this world. Share my gifts and share my heart, and I am sincerely sorry that sometimes I trip over my fear of being rejected and become consumed with fear that my intentions get lost in translation. I apologize to anyone that I might have hurt and recognize that whom ever you maybe may never forgive me or acknowledge this, but know that it stands and its from the bottom of my heart.  I don’t want to live a life of regret and sorrow, and the one the steps i must take to over come this hump is to let it go and to be at peace with the fact that I have a flaw well many and while there is no excuse, the least i can do is acknowledge what i have done. My apologies.

3. Lastly I apologize to my creator. How dare I take complete advantage of the gift of life? How dare I live in the past and rush towards the future? How dare I not be consistent in our relationship? I truly apologize and my hopes is that by putting this truth in the universe you be the first to embrace me. To forgive me and bring peace to my racing mind and heart. That you lead me to better decision making and help me overcome the obstacle which has been myself. I know you have called me and I have half answered. I know that I am loved by you because I am here. i know that your compassion and healing are real, because you bless me, and I apologize for taking you and my gifts for granted and ask that you for give me for placing trust in man before you, my creator, my guide my love my heart my first and foremost GOD. I know you are love and that your existence is in everything and everyone. Thank you for giving me the sight to see you at all times, and despite who I am that you the I AM shines through every time, yes you receive the glory. God there are times I wish you could manifest into arms and hold me and talk to me and tell me what to do.  If we are honest we acknowledge your presence and know you are there but still doubt and for that I apologize. Thank you for blessing me despite of and keeping me despite of and loving me even when there are days I am not to happy with myself..see 1. But in spite of all of that I know that I am not truly alone and this too shall past, however this time I am dedicated to the lesson so that I don’t have to repeat this again or live with regret.  I wrote this to finally release the shame and guilt of having unrealistic expectations on my life and yield to the gift of life you have given me.Thank you God and thank you for forgiving me and allowing me to forgive myself.

Always Yours and Always learning, 

Miss Education

The BOX

Today I pulled a box off the shelf.

I opened it.

Inside where bits and parts of things that I tried to forget or tried to control. But now its open, so now I must be, as well.

I pulled out a few dreams and realized that I have forgotten them in my search for validation.

Then I found my courage, it was tucked away after a series of disappointment and pains.

Then finally…after digging in deeper, I found God and realized that I was keeping him captive as well.

And well now I am on the road of regaining my faith.

IF.

If I let the light in will you smother it with darkness of doubt?

If I decide to let go and let the love I know so well abide with you, will you treat it as a stranger?

If I let go of my fears and embrace the happiness I know, will you meet my open arms with a closed heart?

I want to

I desire to

I need to

I need for you…

If I am honest will you take it for the purity it is or will you pollute it with your mistrust?

If I tell you I am scared too, will we hold each other through, or go our separate ways wondering?

(via add-em)

This is a divine lesson that I was suppose to expound on  and release into the universe like a week ago, but I didn’t. In true spiritual fashion, meaning when there is something that needs to get done, God will make sure it GETS done… I was again inspired on the lesson of time by a situation and several conversations. But that is what this blog is about; learnings that are imparted on me by experience and spiritual interactions that take me from what I thought I knew to what I must know, but I digress.

Or maybe not. It was to my delight and slight disappointment (insert eye roll here) that in the good book, better known as the Bible, in ECCLESIATES there is a scripture that basically tells us there is a time for everything under the sun, a time to laugh ..cry… you know the entire Beatles song, but it was a remake of this scripture. Naturally that is not the only scripture that speaks to the essence of time or timing. Matter fact one of my favorite scriptures in Psalms 1, where it states that a tree that is planted by the living water shall produce fruit in its DUE season. Clearly in time before DUE would result in not so ripe fruit. I get it. I really do. In all honesty well if we are all honest…we get it but don’t like it. Particularly now in a society where convenience and good service is a direct result in how fast can I get it.

Ah then there is the old adage, of good things come in time…yes I guess. There are somethings in life that its not only about taking time for development, growth, ripe fruit if you will; but it is also about when things happen. I mean there is a correlation between when the fruit is ready for the picking and when the picking takes place. Simple enough we know that if we come to the tree too soon, the fruit will be not be ready and undeveloped and not ready to eat, likewise, you can come back later and the it could be too ripe, fallen off the tree and withering away.  There is something to be said about the timing of when we are ready. It may not necessarily be about if the fruit is ripe or not, but about when we come to the tree.

I don’t want to over complicate the lesson, because it is rather simple. Timing makes a heck of difference in life. We can feel that we are desperately hungry and could care less if the fruit is ready or not, we just want to eat. But there are consequences taking fruit or action in circumstances before they are ready or passed us by.

1. You can get sick. You can find yourself in a situation that is not pleasing to you inner soul, inner being, you thought this is what you wanted but your desire can not be the glue to keep it all together. If its not ready, it cannot fulfill its complete purpose.

2. It will not taste good. This is one that I think I encounter more often than I like. Yes I might be hungry but after that first bite and that bitter taste kicks in I am pissed. My expectation was not met and I am mad at everyone but self. I thought that my hope would compensate for the lack of. If you are not following me, its simple, sometimes our NEEDS do not justify the WANT and sometimes we just need to wait.

3. It wasn’t really meant for you to eat in the first place. Our home girl Eve, Adam’s mate can vouch for that. It wasn’t worth it. All that wanting and doing what WE want to do, was a waste of energy. At the end of the day we have opened up Pandora’s box and exposed ourselves to some bullshit. All that thinking it is the end all be all has turned into a nightmare because the reality is, it wasn’t’ for you. Here is the kicker, and what you wanted and panted over you already had all that time. Can you say Epiphany! We tend to pour tons of energy into trying to keep things on our timetable and our expectations based independently on what we believe is right or true and in the end it wasn’t worth it and what you really seek is in you.

You may ask what does this have to do with timing. Well honestly, patience is a huge factor to timing. Its not that you should go without or live with out expectations or goals, but in most things there is a time for everything, and to achieve our goals and to see our desires actualized will require some patience on our part. We might have to wait a little longer simply because everything that is required for actualization is not in place just yet. In most times, the universe does not want to grant us every wish because we are not good stewards over what we have…simply we are not ready for every thing we want. So in time we are taught how to care for and work with what we have. Once we show maturity in that then we are able to graduate to another level and take on another responsibility.

I admit that I am not a master of time. I know that I am a visionary and the most difficult part of mastering that gift is to sit back and wait for the universe to do its part in developing the vision into actuality. I see things before they happen and see the beauty in most things, people and situations at their brightness and best, even though in their present situation it is dark and not so pretty. I want to get to the good stuff, get to the cream in the middle of the cookie…but at-last that is not life and that is not the cycle. So here I am, at a crossroad to accept some things for what they are. WE can not force the tree to grow, nor for it to produce fruit before it should. Also I must accept that in life timing is everything, what I might perceive as ideal opportunity, may not necessarily be ideal for everyone. Moreover, what I may desire so badly may not be as far and out of reach as I perceive, but everything I seek is inside me, and the timing is for me to go inside of self and take care of what I need internally and not externally.  It may be that there are some things that are being done for the ultimate good, so I can receive all that I am suppose to receive, real fruit, ripe juicy and made for me in its entirety. Possibly all of the above. All in all, what ever it is for me and my life will all happen in DUE season.

Learning.

Miss Education.

Feminism 101

He says “act like a lady”. I say ” I am”. In my mind I am wondering if I have truly become one of those typical black women that has become so independent and so self righteous that I have lost my feminine side. In normal circumstances this wouldn’t bother me, but because the way I feel and perceive this man, has put me into a place of personal observation. Simply, I like him but more importantly I respect him and all of sudden, it seemed extremely important, at this time,for me to make this man feel like I am in fact a woman, with no intentions of being anymore than a rib formed from his side. Note to self:WHAT THE HECK.

This is contradictory of what I have been taught, but it seemed so in-step to what I felt deep at the root.  The entire conversation invoked something inside of me. It had me on my knees the next morning seeking God’s thoughts on it, because I want to be soft and pink, and I want to be seen as a lady , not a force that can not be reckoned with; or a girl that is spoiled and senseless, but perceived as a storm that has a calm eye and a woman that is sensible and understanding.

Is it true? That in this world where women are now out pacing men in the obtaining education, heading businesses and leading households, that in a blink of an eye, we have gotten in our own way. If we, women, are honest we all would appreciate a man. We would appreciate a man for the simple things such as taking out the garbage to the complex of being head of household and providing direction. Spiritually I know my role is to be submissive…listen…and take instruction, yet as most things, I struggle with the flesh due to fear, disappointment and piss poor examples.  Maybe unbeknownst to him, I would LOVE to submit, to enter a situation, conversation, relationship where I don’t have to have a power struggle and just relax and know that I am in a safe place. To be soft and pink and not worry about being judged or taken for granted. To know that I have nothing to worry about, because in fact “he gots this”.

This stream of though is not specific for him, per-say, its more of a conscious thought that now has me saying “Damn you Willie Lynch” because its hard to overlook that there has been a “plot” in the African American community to reverse rolls and put black women in a state of alert we are in now. Broke homes, broken communities and broken hearts. The roles of man and woman are now defined by society, media and what ever tidbit your mother may have told you. So subliminally, though my spirit’s intentions are to be calm, soft, pink and safe haven for him, yet I am interjection with my disappointments and need for control to ensure my own safety…ain’t that a bitch. So here I am contemplating that there maybe some truth in what I truly wish was fiction. If I want different then I must do different. I must make the conscious delineation between the woman I am, working in a demanding world, from the woman I was naturally called to be. In short,  I need to calm down, fall back and trust that the same nature that created me, will also not fail me in the development of true self. Likewise, if this man, in fact is the man I believe he is, then he will not fail in what his nature is. Simply, I don’t have to lead this one, just enjoy the journey of actually just following.

That thought, within itself is freeing. So today’s lesson was on feminism, and not in the traditional way we have looked at it as an independent woman with self righteous ideas of being totally submerged in the belief in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes. Yet today it takes on a new meaning drawing from the root of the words; femininity in action, or in the state of femininity; meaning to be in a state of  gentleness, empathy, care, compassion, tolerance and a nurturer. Taking on this new thought doesn’t make me less of a person, nor any less intelligent or powerful, yet looking at for what it is, it is more empowering and more pleasing to my soul. Today I will remain in observation of my thoughts and behavior and will make an effort to release my fear of losing control and and embrace my inner soft and pink place of peace.

Learning.

MissEducation

Love it!

I recently had a convo with one of my friends in regards to our preferences towards a woman’s hair style. Now this may not be the most “gangsta” of conversations per say, however being the off the wall music producer that i am, random blurbs about even more random subject matter seems to fit my…